New Year, New You - Prompts 2 and 3 [Part 1]

The most difficult thing I am facing when writing this post is challenging the idea that things could be better than they are, more specifically that *I* can be better than I am and I have the resources and capability to do so.

This is one of the symptoms of depression. It is a rotten, rotten liar. Of course I can get better, the situation can be better, but the question is how to do so.

Meditation.

Oh how I loathe meditation! Sitting down and being quiet and realising just how my brain picks up patterns to distract me is very tedious because it feels like constant failing and an absolute waste of time.

However, there was a time when I was more disciplined in my meditation, I learnt to feel when my jerk brain was rebelling and started to create anxiety and fear over little things that it just didn't want to do.

Sometimes I would get anxious answering an e-mail from University or going into the bank. Before realising that this was just my jerk brain rebelling, I would procrastinate, but when I realised that the fear was just an illusion of sorts and that I would not be harmed from facing, it became a prompt. I knew when I was feeling anxious it meant that it was something I could do that my brain didn't want to do, it wanted to distract me instead.

For many reasons, big and little, my practice got waylaid and I forgot this key insight - I slowly stopped applying it to my daily life and things - anxiety and depression - took over.

So my main goal is getting back to meditation, slowing down and courting the silence within. This is going to be key to sorting out my health, creating financial discipline (knowing when I am spending because I need something versus spending to make me happy) and helping me to become a better sorceress/witch/Girl Who Does Shit.

It is also something reasonable I can achive, if things seem big and scary I can at least sit down and close my eyes and chant IAO to myself for 5 minutes. As much as I may drag my feet to get there.


Continued in Part 2.